Disabled??

Middle Finger

2007-10-01T17:31:47+02:00

A tax inspector decided to investigate religion, he first went to the Bishop and asked, 'What do you do with all the leftover wax from the candles you burn??' 'We collect it and send it back to the candle makers who give us a few candles in return..'he said.

Next he goes to the Pope, 'What do you do with all the crumbs from the wafers after Holy Communion...? The Pope replied, 'We send them back to the wafer makers who give us a few extra in return...'

Lastly he goes to the Rabii and askes him what he does with all the bits of left over skin after doing a 'snip'. The Rabii replies. 'We collect them all and send them to the tax office who then send out pricks like you'.... BOOM, BOOM,

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Tax inspector

2007-09-30T20:05:00+02:00

Next he goes to the Pope, 'What do you do with all the crumbs from the wafers after Holy Communion...? The Pope replied, 'We send them back to the wafer makers who give us a few extra in return...'

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Boring

2007-09-26T17:40:34+02:00

My surname is Bradbury and our family crest is a shield with 3 'buckles' on it which implies our family made buckles at some time or other, it's not very exciting so I thought you could help me to write a more macho past. i.e. our family saved a king from being killed by a hit man and evryone knows the 'buckler' did it....What do you think???

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Poor Dog

2007-09-25T17:56:02+02:00

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

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Terrorists

2007-09-25T17:31:33+02:00

I'm over 60 and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. (You can't be older than 35 to join the military.)

They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18 year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:

Researchers say 18 year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.

Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts! I'm hungry! Where's the remote?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to drink. The average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer, and a jaunt through the desert heat with a beer and an M-60 Machine-gun would do wonders for the old beer belly. (Note there are 24 hours in a day and 24 bottles in a case...another convenient way to measure time!)

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m.

Old guys always get up early to pee.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brain-teaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns.

We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in the service and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups after completing training. I can hear the Drill Sgt now, "Get down and give me ... er .. one."

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his shorts sticking out. He hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda can rupture an eardrum, and that a baseball cap has a brim to shade eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so you can read it.

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Marshalls Yard

2007-08-18T17:36:23+02:00

Hi, I don't know if you have heard of Marshalls Yard, if's a new shopping complex in Gainsborough, Lincolnshire, England. Well, today I decided to go and visit it along with my wife, very interesting, fountains, shops, gym, not bad except we went for a coffee at 'Costas', £3.40 for 2 coffees and it was the worst coffee I have ever tasted, both my wife and I had one mouthfull and spit it out, now I don't normally complain but this was terrible so I went in and told them so, they were kind enough to give me my money back but I wwill never go there again... Yuck

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Disabled

2007-08-16T15:35:07+02:00

Hi All, I have an interesting write up from 'The Mature Times' and I thought it might be of interest to thos of you who are disabled like myself, so here is a copy..

Disabled Aid - one man's innovative idea to help the disabled help themselves
by Jayne Warren

A man who suddenly became disabled last year and was shocked at the price of aid products from retail outlets has set up an innovative website called Disable Aid for disabled people to help each other. The idea is a simple one. Anything someone no longer uses or needs can be offered on the site, or, if you are looking for something, you just let the members know. Its a bit like a disabled Trade-It online.

Website founder John Bradbury said: "Becoming disabled came as a complete surprise. I moved house in December 2005, and in March 2006 I landscaped my back garden and was swimming twice a week. Then in July I developed a cough and felt short of breath so I went to the doctor who sent me for various tests. He told me I was diabetic, had fibrosin alvialitus and weak kidney's - and that it could not be cured.

"Three months later I couldn't even walk twenty yards without stopping for breath. I was on 15 tablets a day, three blood tests a day - one before each meal - and three insulin injections. I had to go to the doctors a couple of times every week for about three months and had blood tests galore. When I started to need disabled aids, I was really shocked at how much they were - I mean, really shocked! So I had the idea to could set up a sort of trading website for disabled people to buy and sell at reasonable prices. That way we can all help each other."

The site has two sections: "items available" and "items wanted". The "available" section means you can post something you no longer use or need and would like to offer in exchange for something you do want, or sell it at a much reduced price - or even give it away to a good home. The "wanted" section is to let members know what you are looking for, and whether you want to buy, exchange or need something for nothing. John encourages people to describe their items in detail, state a price if selling, and leave a contact number or email address.

There is also a guest book where members are invited to make comments. The cheery John added: "Now I have an electric scooter to get around, still test my blood twice a day and have to take 11 tablets along with three injections. I am hoping to get a stair lift from the British Legion but these things take time.

"And apart from all this, I'm fine. I am 70 on the 23rd of July, look smashing on the outside with not a single wrinkle on my face. I have a nice tan which shows off my silver grey hair and a wonderful wife who looks after me very well. What more could I ask? That's about it really - except I don't know how long I have to last so I just make the best of what I have left - and keep smiling."

To use the site go to: http://beehive.thisislincolnshire.co.uk/disableaid

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